Tuesday, June 26, 2012

How dogs are preparing me for children

As I slowly approach my due date, I've come to realize that my 16-month-old pup Zora (with some help from Peanut and Zayla) has prepared me for children more than any book or mommy blog ever could. Now that we've had her for a smidge over a year, I've come to terms with a few things:

My house never will be and/or will remain clean for more than 10 seconds. 
As soon as I mop the floor, dirty feet come truckin' through. As soon as toys are collected and put in their basket, someone's there to haul them all back out for no apparent reason. Muddy feet on my white carpets, boogers smeared on my sliding door and windows, food crumbs smashed into the floor... yeah, I get it.



I can never have nice things/everything I own will be destroyed.
Furniture, nick nacks, clothing.... I have no hopes or dreams that they'll survive the next couple years.




Earning my Dr. Mom certification.
Like small children, dogs can't tell you what hurts and where their boo-boo is. Plus, Miss Zora is a wild child with no fear and an insatiable appetite for... everything, so there's always upset tummies and unexplained wounds. Good thing my medicine cabinet and loaded and ready to go.





I will never get things done/must work with lil ones under foot.
Nothing halts productivity like a whiney fur ball scratching at your leg and then giving you a clueless, blank look. What the hell do you want, dog?! Any activities done in a chair or on the floor are automatic failures. I mean, has anyone tried doing an ab workout with a 70 lb. dog that climbs on top of you mid crunch? Or tried wrapping a gift that doesn't result in wrinkly wrapping paper because the dog trampled over it half a dozen times?





Bickering and timeouts. Shut your face.
Like lil ones, fur children misbehave. Often. They listen as well as men, fight with everyone despite their size and would be strangled if not for their adorable faces. That's why dogs and babies are adorable... so when shit hits the fan, we don't sell them to the gypsies.





Bath and bedtime shenanigans. 
For the most part, Miss Zora handles bedtime pretty well. Hooooowever, this wuss is afraid of the dark when left alone, inanimate objects make her cower and she still makes daddy carry her 70 lb. butt upstairs at night. Then, if she beats you to the bed, she's taking your spot. There's no negotiating with her. There's just not enough room in our queen size bed for the 3 of us... or is there?

And if bedtime isn't bad enough, there's the shower dance we do together. Hmm, let's spin around in a circle with the sprayer and try to get all the soap off you before you decided to open the shower doors and haul ass out. Yes, that sounds lovely.





But I will love them no matter what.
XOXO.

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